


Waiting For Nothing

by Hufflepuff_Hails



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: 14x08 Coda, M/M, No MCD but not a happy ending, Sorry Not Sorry, The Empty, it hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 03:23:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16966755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hufflepuff_Hails/pseuds/Hufflepuff_Hails
Summary: All Castiel can do now is wait. Wait for the Empty to come and take him away from his home, his family, and his life. And Dean doesn’t make the waiting any easier.Episode 14x08 Coda fic.





	Waiting For Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic so please be nice. 
> 
> Warnings, it hurts. But sadly, I can’t picture a happy ending for these two with the threat of Cas being drug into the empty over their heads. No one dies, but there is not a happy ending. Sorry not sorry! 
> 
> Thank you Ali for beta reading for me!

It has been a little over 3 months since Cas made the deal with the Empty. It always seems to be right in the back of his mind that maybe now, maybe this, will be what takes him away from his home, his family. 

There has even been once or twice where he has forgotten for a split second and actually allows himself to feel something akin to happiness. When Jack’s eyes lit up in awe and wonder at all of the lights and fountains when he was finally able to visit Vegas. The time he caught Sam reading with a light smile on his face and a tear in his eye, and Cas realized that Sam was actually reading a book for fun instead of needing lore for a hunt. When he and Dean were on their way home to the bunker from a solo hunt together where they killed the monster and no other civilians died, and Dean looked over at him in the passenger seat with light in his gorgeous green eyes and the afternoon sun on his face; Cas had never been so in love with him. 

It is in these moments when he forgets. It is the few seconds after he remembers again when he panics. 

“What if it’s now? What if I never get to say goodbye? What if I never get to spend one more moment with my family? What if I never get to teach Jack something new again, or see Sam be happy, or tell Dean that I don’t just love him but I’m IN love with him?” 

And nothing happens. 

He is still here. Still waiting. 

Forever with the black cloud of eternal emptiness hanging over him. 

 

 

The first time Dean kissed him after Cas returned home from rescuing Jack from Heaven, he thought that was it. He was gone. Because he was always the most happy, most peaceful, when he was with Dean like this. It didn’t happen often, but over the past year since he returned from the empty, becoming intimate with Dean was occurring more and more frequently.

They had first come together many years ago, before the fall, before purgatory, before his immense betrayal of everyone he loved. Back when Castiel had only just begun his rebellion from Heaven and still had much to learn about the ways of humankind. 

The first time was full of passion and anger. It was a build up from all of the tension from the war they had been fighting to prevent. Castiel was enraged at the thought of Dean giving himself over to Michael, giving up on everything they had been working towards, giving up on Castiel. The sexual tension had always been there between them, though it took quite a long time for Castiel to figure out that arousal was what he was feeling, and Dean had been goading him all day knowing how to easily get under his skin. Telling Cas to blow him and saying how he had “gotten laid” the last time someone had looked at him apparently in the way Castiel was looking at him, was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to the way Dean was acting. 

What has started as a brutal beating in an alley, turned into bruised lips, clanking teeth, and the ripping of clothes. Dean had not wanted gentle and Castiel was definitely not inclined to go easy on the man. It was fast, hard, and rough. There was no talking things through or tenderness. It was simply take take take from both of them. Each trying to communicate the desperation they felt at trying to be good, to do right, to save the world and each other. 

They never discussed what happened that night. They never discuss what happens between them at all. 

Sometimes when one of them has behaved rashly or done something the other thought was stupid, they fuck like they did that first time. Intense and quick, all nails and teeth, grinding up against a wall, explaining the fear and frustrations about what has happened through sex. 

Other times, and what used to be rarely but has recently become their norm, it is slow and sensual, sweet and caring, tongues and caresses, worshipping each other’s bodies and being thankful of the time they get to spend together.

But, still, they do not talk, using their bodies to share the words they can never say and express the feelings they will never share. 

This time when Dean kisses him, unlike all of the times before, Castiel does not kiss back. He freezes. Panics. His eyes spread wide. Body tensed to fly away instantly though he knows his wings are damaged beyond repair and flight is impossible. So instead, he runs. He runs to the small room in the bunker that is designated as his. He barely spares a thought for Dean’s confused and heartbroken stare at his retreat, instead focusing on all of the “What ifs” and “What have I done” and “Is it now? Is it time?” 

Once he has calmed down, he finds Dean nursing a beer in the map room. True to form, they do not discuss what just happened, but Dean’s worried eyes follow him as he goes to sit down. Instead of talking about anything they should talk about, like how they are feeling about Jack’s death and revival or how they feel about Dean’s return after Michael, the two simply sit in silence, letting unspoken words fill the air around them, waiting for something to happen to break the tension. 

 

 

 

Another week passes before Dean tries to kiss him again. This time, it catches Castiel completely off guard. 

Sam and Dean had just come back from a quick hunt. Cas had been keeping an eye on the still recovering Jack at home in the bunker. As they pass in the hallway, Dean catches the sleeve of his trench coat and just as he begins to ask how the hunt went, Dean pulls Cas into him, grabs the back of his neck, and kisses him. 

It is a kiss full of desire, and Castiel can’t help but lean into it and let the kiss pull him under. Just as Cas was about to lead Dean to one of the bedrooms to continue this somewhere more comfortable, Dean let’s out a content sigh against his lips and fully relaxes into Castiel’s embrace. Dean’s surrender to his desire for Castiel always ignites a blaze of affection in Cas’s chest. The sudden overflow of love for this wonderful man in front of him shocks him out of the moment and instead of pulling Dean harder against him, he frantically pushes him away. They stare at each other for a long second, chests heaving as they catch their breath, lips glistening with saliva from the kiss. 

As Cas turns to walk away, he catches Dean’s hurt and baffled expression and hears him quietly ask, “Hey man, are you ok?” 

Castiel ignores him and again retreats to his bedroom. This time he stays in his room all night ignoring the knock he knew was coming. 

Everything is back to normal in the morning, except now, Castiel notices that Dean is watching him closely. His hunter’s intuition and how well he knows Castiel alerting him to the fact that something is seriously wrong, yet nothing seems to have happened or changed that he is aware of. So far, Dean seems to have kept his suspicions to himself because Sam continues to treat Castiel as he always has and though Castiel knows Jack intends on keeping his secret, the kid has so little experience lying that if Dean brought up his concerns to Jack, Cas knows that Dean would immediately see through any story Jack tries to come up with.

 

 

 

Another few weeks pass of Dean watching Cas’s every move, and Dean finally begins to relax again. Dean hasn’t tried to kiss him again and Castiel, purposefully avoiding the one thing that makes him happiest on the planet, certainly hasn’t tried to initiate anything either. 

Things continue to function as normally as possible in their bizarre corner of the world. They continue to search for both Michael and Dark Kaia with her spear. They send the Apocalypse World hunters out on missions and hunts. Every so often, someone will come across one of Michael’s super-monsters and Sam and Dean will go off and figure out the best way to kill these new adaptations. But mostly, they search for a way for Jack to be fully restored with his grace so he no longer has to rely on soul-magic to remain alive. Thus far, little to no progress has been made on any front and everyone is beginning to get frustrated. This is when Castiel suggests that he go and talk to Naomi again about Michael’s potential whereabouts. 

Dean always gets a certain look in his eyes when Castiel talks about going back to Heaven for any reason. Dean especially hates it when Cas mentions anything to do with Naomi, though he barely knows anything of the torture and mind games she played on Cas. Dean hates this plan. Castiel can see it. And Dean absolutely loathes the fact that this is unfortunately the only remaining lead they seem to have left in tracking down Michael’s location. Dean tries to argue against it, yet he knows that he does not have a good enough counter-argument to win. So after he finally agrees to the plan, he asks to speak to Castiel alone. 

Castiel agreed to go with him, worry gnawing in his gut. He knows where this is going. It’s happened so many times before. Dean is scared, scared Cas is going to do something stupid again. But instead of admitting that he is scared or any other feelings he might have towards Castiel, Dean will instead confront him using his body. Dean will make sure that Castiel remembers him later when he catches sight of the bruise that was sucked onto his collar bone, the hoarseness in his throat from screaming out in pleasure, the soreness in his legs and ass from being pounded into the mattress. 

And Castiel knows that can’t happen again, not this time. Because the Empty will come for him. Finding Michael, saving Jack, keeping his family safe, STAYING ALIVE is more important than the joy he feels when he knows Dean needs him like this. 

So when they get to Dean’s bedroom and Dean presses Cas’s back against the wall, Cas puts his hands on Dean’s shoulders and stops what was sure to be exactly what he wants most in its tracks. Dean at this point is in shock, standing completely still, eyes wide, mouth hanging open. Cas doesn’t think he has ever told Dean ‘no’ when Dean has been in one of these moods. Mostly because Dean shares so much of himself when they are together like this, and Cas likes to think that Dean loves him as much as Castiel loves Dean when he becomes so possessive that he forgets himself and calls Castiel ‘My Angel.’ This is likely the most dangerous kind of intimacy the two can share for Castiel at this moment for he knows that the second Dean mutters those two words, Cas will be taken. 

So he stops it. He doesn’t look Dean in the eye. He can’t. He will cave and give this man he loves whatever he wants if he does. 

Cas takes a deep shuddering breath. “I can’t Dean. I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.” 

He pushes Dean away and runs out of the room blinking back tears as he hears Dean yell after him, “What the fuck?! What’d I do?”

He continues out the door of the bunker and heads to his truck, all the while, hearing Dean run after him. 

“Cas! Cas!”  
“Man, talk to me. C’mon.”  
“Look, I need to know what’s going on. What’s happened between us? What did I do wrong?”  
“Cas! Where are you going?”  
“You can’t just leave!! Cas!!”

This is all he hears as he finally reaches his truck and begins to drive off towards the playground and the gate to Heaven. 

He pulls over at a gas station about an hour away. He refills his tank and tries very hard not to think about how badly he has damaged whatever kind of relationship he had going with Dean. He attempts to reassure himself that they’ve made it through worse before. If Dean can forgive him for lying to him so many times before, ditching him in Purgatory, and saying ‘yes’ to Lucifer, then Dean can forgive him for this. Yet for some reason, this time it feels different. It feels like now, once something breaks, it breaks for good. No going back. 

In order to take his mind off of the way Dean was shouting his name in despair as the truck roared out of the garage, Castiel switches on the radio. Except he had forgotten that the last time he was driving, he had lost radio signal at some point and had turned on the tape Dean had given him. ‘Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx.’ Before, the tape had always made him smile, thinking about how Dean had cared enough to share his favorite songs with Castiel, but right now, it makes him bite back a sob. It makes tears run down his face. It makes him almost regret his decision. But Jack was worth it. Jack is worth everything. So Cas pulls himself together and drives so he can complete his mission and go home. Go home to his son, to his family, and sadly, home to what he knows will be more unavoidable heartbreak. 

 

 

So now here he is, three months after the best and worst decision he has ever made in his life.

He saved his son and he can never be upset about that. Jack is constantly a breath of fresh air. He has become the new anchor for Castiel’s little family, keeping them steady, keeping them all together. But his relationship with Dean has been irrevocably changed. Of course they never talked about what had happened when he finally came home from Heaven. 

Dean has become just as distant with Castiel as Cas had become with him. Sam has now noticed, and he has asked on multiple occasions why Cas and Dean are fighting. Cas simply answers that they aren’t and drops the conversation. Jack has definitely noticed the change. He sees Cas’s melancholy mood and paranoia whenever anything good happens. Jack even begged him at one point to let him tell Sam and Dean about the deal, but Castiel wouldn’t let him. There is too much going on to add another thing for them to worry about that they won’t be able to change. So this is what they’ve become. Rooms of awkward silences, long and drawn out stares filled with unnamed emotions. Dean has begun drinking more. Cas attempts to avoid any unsettling encounters or conversations and remains in his room, miserable and alone. They are all just waiting for the other shoe to drop, yet only Cas and Jack know what that is.

 

 

Cas is sitting on his bed, re-reading yet another book on angels, trying to find any new pertinent information that might possibly help Jack. So far, he already knows everything in this book, but he’s hoping some small tiny detail that he has never thought about will pop up and he will have an epiphany. Suddenly, Dean bursts into his room with a determined expression on his face. Cas is startled for a moment but relaxes when he sees it is Dean. Then he registers the look on Dean’s face and becomes wary. 

“What can I do for you Dean?”

Dean quietly stalks towards him and sits across from him on the bed with one leg bent at the knee, the other still on the floor. He doesn’t say anything for a long minute, just sitting there with his eyes staring at Cas’s knee, hands clasped in his lap. Cas is content to wait. It’s been too long since he and Dean had been this close to each other and he misses the way it used to be easy for them to simply BE together. Saying nothing, doing nothing, merely existing, and yet everything was right in the world. Now there is only the memory of that feeling left in this tension of repressed feelings. 

When Dean finally speaks, it is with soft and halting words, barely above a whisper, Dean struggling to say what he feels he needs to say. 

“Cas.... I, um, well.” Dean pauses and takes a deep breath in. 

“Cas, I know don’t talk about, well, US.... um, ever. I didn’t think it ever needed to be said after all of the ‘profound bond’ shit and everything else we’ve been through.” 

Dean stops to take another breath and run his fingers through his hair before going on, this time more sure of himself.

“I know how you feel about me. You’ve shared it in your actions, your choices, since the day you pulled me out of hell. Choosing me, over and over again. I get it. Hell, you’ve even said it to me before as you laid there dying in that barn. And I guess I thought you knew how I felt too, about you, about us, about everything.”

At this point, Castiel is nervous. He feels the sudden urge to escape this conversation, knowing that the words Dean will speak will only hurt the both of them, but Cas is too stunned to actually do anything. Because Dean is talking to him. Acknowledging their relationship, acknowledging that there are feelings between them, and Cas is in disbelief. 

Dean hurries on, “And then something changed. I couldn’t figure out what it was that had happened between us. One day we were fine and then once we got Jack back, you just kept running from me. I’m still not sure what I did wrong here, but the only explanation I could come up with is that you don’t actually know how I feel about you. Maybe you thought I was using you all these years, and yeah, at first it probably was like that, but you have to know it isn’t like that now, and it hasn’t been for a long time.” 

Dean takes another deep breath, steeling himself for what he is about to say next. Tears start to form in the corner of his eyes.

“Your death, or your most recent death, destroyed me, man. I was lost, bitter, angry. I was an asshole to everyone: Sam, Jody, but especially Jack. And I still feel incredibly guilty about that. I couldn’t cope. There was no pulling me out of the hole of grief I had fallen into it. I was ok with dying because I didn’t really want to be living at that point. The only thing that stopped me from actually making my death permanent was the fact that I didn’t want Sammy to go through what I was dealing with after your loss because of me. So I didn’t. I tried to put on a brave face. Failed miserably. Sam tried to cheer me up and he failed pretty miserably too. Jack was Jack, and I quickly came to realize that he wasn’t evil and was actually the wonderful kid that he is, yet I still was unable to really look at him. Because I felt like it was because of him, his fault, that you were gone. You were gone out of my life, and I could do absolutely nothing about it.” 

At this point, they both have had a few silent tears escape. It is difficult for Dean to remember that time, and it is incredibly hard for Castiel to hear Dean talk about how much his death affected the man. Dean continues speaking, slower now, more composed.

“You coming back to us, to me, was a gift. I am unable to explain the relief and joy I felt knowing you were alive again. And I came to a realization at that point that I should have known ages before, but was too stupid to figure out until that moment.” 

Dean reaches up and places his hand on the top of Cas’s neck, thumb caressing his cheekbone. He stares at Cas with bright green eyes, full of pain and love and sincerity. 

“Castiel..... Cas.... My Angel. I love you.”

Castiel knew it was coming. He should have left before Dean ever got to this point. He hears those words come out of Dean’s mouth. He is ecstatic, elated, but underneath the unadulterated joy he feels at knowing that Dean actually returns his feelings, there is an element of fear and panic that sours the moment. He is waiting. Any second now he will be plunged into nothingness because this truly is the happiest he has ever felt in his existence, yet nothing happens. And as Castiel waits, he begins to panic more and more. 

Unfortunately, all Dean sees is the sudden fear in his eyes, the shifting and looking around the room, the way Cas is holding himself as if prepared to fight. Dean drops his hand, eyebrows furrowing in pain and confusion to Cas’s reaction to his confession. 

“Cas?”

Cas finally looks back at Dean, panic and regret written across his face. 

“I can’t. Dean, I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”

“You can’t what, Cas?!” Dean asks loudly as he gets off the bed and begins to pace across the room. 

“Look, I just poured my fucking heart out, and all you say is that you can’t? What can’t you do?” Dean yells as he throws his hands up and pulls at his hair. 

All Cas can say in response is, “I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t.” Like a broken record on repeat, but he knows that he isn’t allowed to have this. He isn’t able to share his life with Dean like this. He isn’t able to feel the peace and happiness that comes from loving someone and being loved in return. And it will hurt Dean even more than this if Castiel responds the way he desperately wants to and then disappears. So all he says is that he can’t. Wishing Dean could understand, knowing that he never will. 

Dean, furious now, shakes Castiel by the shoulders, yelling in his face, “Stop saying you can’t! You can! You’ve said it before! We both know it. Come on. Say you love me too.” 

All Cas can do is shake his head. Dean turns from him, enraged, and paces across the room, fingers locked behind his head. Suddenly, there is a crash as Dean throws everything off Castiel’s desk. The lamp tumbles to the floor, books and papers go flying, and the single framed picture of Castiel’s little family smashes into a hundred pieces, as Dean shouts, “Just fucking say it!” 

Castiel simply stares at the mess, the pieces of glass that have shattered just like his heart, with tears he is unable to stop running down his face and landing on his feet crossed in front of him. 

Dean stands there for a moment, looking at him, trying to catch his breath, control his emotions. 

No one says anything more. No one moves. 

Eventually Dean moves to the door, he pauses after opening it to glance back at Cas. Voice thick, silently crying, he says, “Fuck you.” 

And leaves, slamming the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> I told you I wasn’t nice. I might still continue with the story up until Cas does get taken by the Empty. Undecided as of now. 
> 
> Again, apologies for the pain!! I like happy endings too. I just don’t know how to make this one happy! If you have ideas on how to do that please let me know!!
> 
> Also, follow me on twitter: @Hailee_RN


End file.
